Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
They also CAN sing✌️
These work great until they don’t.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores