Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait