My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
You Might Also Like
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Love is always patient and kind.