Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.