“Don’t get any ideas.” – Worn out light bulb
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
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Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.
Drinking before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
that lip filler tho
Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.
9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.