@cowboyjeffkent

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

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@dumbbeezie

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

@ojedge

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

@furbyburglar

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.

@daveexplosm

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.

9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.