Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Yup.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree