ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
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If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
is nasa ok
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends