For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Ok, but like, how married are you?