[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.