NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
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Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Breakfast for Stoners:
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda