“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
#SuperBowl
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.