Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”