‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂

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Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.


Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, weโ€™re regretting that decision.


BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite


ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?


ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???


I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?


Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE ITโ€™S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CANโ€™T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU


Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*


ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]


Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”

Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*

Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”