@Tolunimii

‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂

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@Moochava

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

@KentWGraham

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, weโ€™re regretting that decision.

@ShortSleeveSuit

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???

@jordan_stratton

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

@rebrafsim

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE ITโ€™S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CANโ€™T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

@stevevsninjas

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

@chuuew

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

@unmehlievable

Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”

Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*

Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”