Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
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Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”
Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*
Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”