King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.