computer: enter password
computer: password weak
all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying
Oatmeal is supposed to be good for the heart but I’ve been rubbing it on my chest every day for a month and I don’t feel any different
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Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Wife: When pigs fly!
Do I wish for flying pigs?
Con: High bacon prices
*starts building catapult
[ spelling bee ]
judge: Your word is enamoured
me: Could you use it in a sentence
judge: I am enamoured by you
me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?
judge: your word is yes
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
God: oh shit
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?