Oatmeal is supposed to be good for the heart but I’ve been rubbing it on my chest every day for a month and I don’t feel any different

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computer: enter password

me: mypulloutgame

computer: password weak

all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying


Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…


The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.


Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult


[ spelling bee ]

judge: Your word is enamoured

me: Could you use it in a sentence

judge: I am enamoured by you

me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?

judge: your word is yes


[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.


[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button


What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.


ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?