Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.