Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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My daughter asked me if it was illegal to be blind which tells me I didn’t explain “legally blind” very well.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.
“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
God: you’re really fast.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me