@primawesome

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

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@KenJennings

Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?

@just1fool

My daughter asked me if it was illegal to be blind which tells me I didn’t explain “legally blind” very well.

@Biraahwa

Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.

@sammyrhodes

“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

@stats_canada

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

@obijawn

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me