OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”