Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: lay down
Me: arms above your head
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*