Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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Pot warmers of the day.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Warm pools make me nervous.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?