@Barack_and_Joe

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

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@DJRotaryRachel

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

@dirtygreaf

friend: wyd?

me: working

friend: and wyd after?

me: sleeping for work tomorrow

@Ygrene

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

@Book_Krazy

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

@seamussaid

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

@WilliamAder

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

@sarahcpr

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

@BuffyMaddingly

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

@MrSpoonicorn

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*