Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.


friend: wyd?

me: working

friend: and wyd after?

me: sleeping for work tomorrow


Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird


Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”


gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere


I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.


Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills


Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.


*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*