@TheThomason: Obama: "Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?" Drops mic, walks away.
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@JohnLyonTweets: A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone's Farm strawberry wine. -tweeted from my hospital bed
@flashember: [whispering] don't tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
@FeralCrone: A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.