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@TheThomason: Obama: "Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?" Drops mic, walks away.
@shariv67: I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
@Jenny4ashley: Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
@shutupmikeginn: A trailer in a movie theater ended with "November 20th" and a guy loudly said, "thats my birthday" and a random guy said "happy birthday"
@NotJPo: "No more Mr Nice Guy"
~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy
@Donna_Gallers: 1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face