Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.

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Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.


I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.


Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus


I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.

I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.


Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan.


Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.


6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?