People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!