[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
me: my friends:
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My wife gives the best headache.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.