NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
channeling her this year
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks