I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son