@noog

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

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@Mr_Kapowski

[hotel room]

Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”

Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”

@Reverend_Scott

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

@_little_old_me

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

@trojansauce

[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
FRODO: well?
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

@ashleyaustrew

Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?

@Jennuflect

*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
*text chime*
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?

@Donna_McCoy

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

@FuckabillyRex

*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.

*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.