Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”
Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
*Gore kicks door down*
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too
Me: These books are half price.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*
Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?
*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.
*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.