Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!

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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic


Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home


For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.


FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?

ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be


Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.


“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.


[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR


ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?