@stonedcoldlazy

Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!

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@abbycohenwl

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic

@crocodilethumbs

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

@marnipanas

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

@MaraWilson

FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?

ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be

@TheCatWhisprer

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

@bornmiserable

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

@ArfMeasures

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

@JB4Realz

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?