Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive