Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!