Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?
Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory