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@InternetHippo

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

@NicCageMatch

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

@Darlainky

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

@LOLGOP

God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.

@mydmac

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

@abbycohenwl

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

@JB4Realz

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

@jctwritesstuff

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

@TheCatWhisprer

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

@mydmac

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house