Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I beg your pardon?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
#gardening