Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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inappropriate Care Bears be like:
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
he was correct
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.