Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.