Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.


Obama: Please just wave.


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*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
“How coach”
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*


Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!


Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!


People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up


Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.


Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn’t have to be about you
Me: but that’s my autobiography


My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.


[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent


my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool