healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?
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GF: You cant keep it.
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[with father in law]
“You know how to pluck a goose, son?”
Er yes sir, sure do
*stretches goose’s neck and plays it like a double bass*
If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.