So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box