@utofellatio

Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?

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@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@upsidedowntrash

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

@Be___Dope

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

@iamchrisscott

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

@HomeProbably

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

@Parkerlawyer

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

@TitansHomer

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

@bea_ker

[with father in law]

“You know how to pluck a goose, son?”

Er yes sir, sure do

*stretches goose’s neck and plays it like a double bass*

@owlcity

If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.