Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
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The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.