Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
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Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.