@cool_as_heck

OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”

ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*

OBAMA: [softly] holy shit

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@jctwritesstuff

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

@UnFitz

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

@abbycohenwl

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

@AndreyasAsylum

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

@ChicksRule

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

@Christweetpher_

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged