OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”
ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*
OBAMA: [softly] holy shit
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[Bedroom at midnight]
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
ME: hit me
M: hit me
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged