OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”

ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*

OBAMA: [softly] holy shit

You Might Also Like


Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.


*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*


On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.


Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine


Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.


[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*


[black jack]

ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged