Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’