[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
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My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Yup!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I have a new favorite meme page
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.