@froghammer

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

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@weirdralph

The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

@shitshowdotinfo

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

@lisaxy424

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

@WheelTod

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I heard that sex is a great way to relieve the stress of Coronavirus.”

Me: “I heard that the Coronavirus will likely cause a spike in divorce rates.”

@mattytalks

(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing