Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.