Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
The Assassin.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*