Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE

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*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either


This is the funniest YouTube comment I’ve ever read.


I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.


If you didn’t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.


I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.


*notices zipper is down*
*zips it up*
FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I’ll do it myself


Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”


I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.