Him: Hurt me
Me: Your brother is hotter than you
Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either
Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE
Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE
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Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
This is the funniest YouTube comment I’ve ever read.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If you didn’t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*notices zipper is down*
*zips it up*
FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I’ll do it myself
Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”
[shakes fist at other fist]
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.