@roostermustache

Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE

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@lipstickbrat1

*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either

@miowoda

This is the funniest YouTube comment I’ve ever read.

@KentWGraham

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

@Parentpains

If you didn’t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.

@ObscureGent

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

@NicestHippo

*notices zipper is down*
OMG!
*zips it up*
FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I’ll do it myself

@theyearofelan

Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”

@TigNotaro

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.