Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph


Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.


(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.


The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.


Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.


If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.


I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.