Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
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My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry