Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
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Dealer: You followed?
Geologist: No man. Its cool.
*dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out
Geologist: Gneiss… Gneiss
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]
me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today