@TheAlexNevil

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

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@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

@Sickayduh

Dealer: You followed?

Geologist: No man. Its cool.

*dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out

Geologist: Gneiss… Gneiss

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

@IMBeanz

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

@jackiembouvier

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

@funnybeachgirl

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

@SlabBaconBP

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

@iamspacegirl

[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today