Obi Wan: Your father was burned so badly that all his limbs just sort of fell off but we have such advanced technology like clones and robotics and such that we saved him.

Luke: What about my mother?

Obi Wan: Died in childbirth, literally nothing could be done.

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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.


My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.


[on a date]
Play it cool don’t let her know you’re a refrigerator
[her ex-boyfriend turns off the electricity]
“This isn’t cool man.”


When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.


[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby


Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers


The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.


They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.


If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.