@maxsparber

Obi Wan: Your father was burned so badly that all his limbs just sort of fell off but we have such advanced technology like clones and robotics and such that we saved him.

Luke: What about my mother?

Obi Wan: Died in childbirth, literally nothing could be done.

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@TeejayRush

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

@DrDumbDum

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

@UnFitz

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

@ObscureGent

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

@Home_Halfway

ME: Oh my god, it’s so nice to have company after so long. Please come in, we’re best friends now

BURGLAR: Um

@maisonshouting

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

@timdonakowski

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

@Super_Cynthia

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.