@jonnysun

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

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@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

@ShaunRightNow

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

@Schooney_Tunes

Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.

@JohnLyonTweets

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

@AndyAsAdjective

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

@GingerHotDish

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.

@LetMeStart

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

@itsdivbaby

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

@TheTweetOfGod

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.