Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.