OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

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If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”


Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.


“DADDY!?!” (toddler calling out)

Me: “Daddy’s upstairs but can I help you with something?”

“Yes. You can go get Daddy.”


if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent


I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married


Going to a friend’s surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I’ll act surprised anyway.


[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard


women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.


My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?