OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

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It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.


Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.


If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.


The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.


Women’s speed climbing record was smashed. Under 7 seconds. Inhuman.


DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”


MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.


Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse


Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.


My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.