OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Stop sending me this shit.
#SuperBowl
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court