@RxitWounds

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

@TheAlexNevil

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

@SteveSuckington

[stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.

@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

@gorrdano

Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.

@Probgoblin

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

@shawnspree

Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)

Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?

Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?