Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
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16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Unimpressed
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.