And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)
Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?
Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?