@RxitWounds

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

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@Ellierocks2013

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..

@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@rebrafsim

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

@TheTimmyToes

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

@dreamthievin

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

@XplodingUnicorn

[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other]

Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments?

5: You want me to sleep on the couch?

@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@TheBoydP

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

@pleatedjeans

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!