When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
You Might Also Like
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Only Asian parents will shout at you for buying them a present
14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
“Happy birthday! ”
– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?
“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”
*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom
Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring