“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
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An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.