@TomItUp

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

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@adamgreattweet

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

@Darlainky

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’

@2tonbug

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

@Sickayduh

“Happy birthday! ”

– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?

“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”

@Coolisiana

*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*

@pittdave13

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

@senderblock23

John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring