“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
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I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this