Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Hmmmmm
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists