@NurseMurderer

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

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@SequelsWeWant

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

@heyevergreen

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

@MikeBigby

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

@ShootyDoody

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

@Pro_Jones_

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

@LarrysTwin99

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

@GrabTheWEness

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

@XplodingUnicorn

Someone cut my 6-year-old’s hair

She says she didn’t do it

Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her