Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.