@NurseMurderer

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

- @NurseMurderer

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@TEXASVETERAN

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

@SMLXist

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

@GavinProbably

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@KKAlThani

I wouldn’t take a bullet for you but I’d definitely push someone in front of you to take it for you. Same thing.

@YearOfRat

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

@fuzzlime

I pronounce CHampagne & CHandelier like CHimp so the lower class thinks I’m “approachable” & the upper class thinks I’m “eclectic”

@thatUPSdude

How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.

@jrsalzman

Twitter has taught me a couple things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.