Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

How your email finds me

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”