obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
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Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Best table by far
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce