@Browtweaten

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

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@GrowlyGrego

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

@bigmacher

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

@WritePlay

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

@fro_vo

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

@Shen_the_Bird

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

@sofarrsogud

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

@DaddyJew

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people