YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people