[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
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Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
the #horror is real!
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?