[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

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*grabs face*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.


16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.



GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.


the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish


I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.


[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?


Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.


Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people