observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.